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It’s a sad day really. I think of Dad, gone for 7 months now and I can’t believe it. Again, it seems like a different world, a different time, place. I cried last night and felt sad. Mark’s dad died of lung cancer too. Mark was only 19 and I never got to meet his dad. I worry about my children. Will they be “prone” to lung cancer? Alec has already had a “cyst” removed twice from his lower leg at the growth plate, what does that mean for him? Katie, my oldest, is smoking. I am sick about it. So sick. So very very sick. I don’t know what to do. She is almost 19, in college. She has to be responsible for her own actions. She is not a stupid girl. I have talked and talked and talked about lung cancer and smoking forever. She saw her grandpa shrink slowly every day and die of lung cancer. She smokes. god it hurts to think of it.,,

Do you find it odd that the word “cancer” and “cancel” seem so alike?

We had an appointment to see an endocrinologist today, in Lincoln.
Dad canceled the appointment.
Tomorrow is his birthday. I don’t know if that is the main reason he wanted to cancel but I’m thinking it is.
It’s hard to believe that 14 months ago we were just begining this journey.
We’ve been through 33 radiation treatments, 4 “cycles” of Taxol/Carboplatinum, at least 5 “cycles” of Taxotere and we continue with monthly Zymeta infusions(for hypercalcemia).
Dad has random occasional mid left “rib” pain for which he takes Darvocet with relief. Maybe 0-2 times a day. He continues to fight lower leg edema and is on 80 mg of Lasix and 50mg Aldactone (which he occasionally halves the dose of both depending on how he feels. He no longer uses any O2 at all. Very rarely (maybe 1 time a month) uses a TJN (twin jet nebulizer) treatment. He gets little to no activity for reasons mom and I don’t understand. He has no appetite. He has pain in the ends of his big toes. He doensn’t really seem short of breath at all. He has  occasional constipation. The skin of his lower legs is dry and flaky from the edema that comes and goes.
He is smoking again.
We don’t know what is next for sure. We will go to Lincoln next Wednesday for the appointment with the endocrinologist. Dad is scheduled for a CT scan this month to check the lung tumor area.
Right now the oncologist calls Dad cancer free. We are just dealing with all the other problems that go along with the diagnosis of cancer.
I think there should be a 12 step program for being diagnosed with cancer. You walk into a room…you say, Hi I’m _____ and I have lung cancer. When I was 12 I had my first cigarette. It was love at first cough. blah blah blah

Once labeled a cancer person always a cancer person. People put their eyes on you and wonder…how long before the disintegration…
People ask constantly…”How is so and so??” and stating “Well so and so, you look so good!”, hanging on the edge of their seat, waiting to nod in pity while turning to their friends and saying, “Doesn’t so and so look terrible?”.

July 2020

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